Re-entry rituals… do we have them?

I love to host things: dinners, gatherings, parties, celebrations, workshops, experiences. The lockdowns were terrible for me. I felt like a part of me was left to die. Don’t talk to me about online zoom things — NOT THE SAME. I didn’t get into it. They felt like one dimensional, curated, controlled, void of the magic of food, drink, spontaneous conversations and connections.

What I want to explore is the re-entry anxiety that people are sensing. I’ve spoken with school professionals who see students re-entering two years behind in their social/emotional development. Can we expect grown-ups to be any different? Our social skill muscles have atrophied. Could it be that our intuitive sense of what is dangerous is now off? Before Covid, social isolation was seen as a detrement to health and now, it’s being promoted to increase health as the virus spreads. Regardless of how you feel/think about the effectiveness of lockdowns, let’s stick with the impact it’s having on us as it relates to our ability to be together, as social beings, and how creating rituals in your life, and those around you can support you re-entering society.

When we find ourselves in patterns of behaviour that we’ve done for a long period of time, we gain a sense of confort and safety. Our brains want to keep us safe, so it learns to re-enforce these behaviours. Sometimes these behaviours were put in place at a time when we needed to be protected from something, and long after the threat is gone, we still respond as if the threat is still there.

For example, when I was younger, I needed to be doing chores when my step-dad came home, or he’d get mad and ground me for being lazy. As an adult, I’d find myself doing the same thing when my husband came home, when he had no such expectation. It took a while for me to work through all the thoughts and feelings I had surrounding this behaviour so that I could be reading, or relaxing when my husband came home and to believe that I wasn’t lazy. Working through that process, I was doing something counter-intuitive. I needed to recalibrate.

Our feelings are not always right — they are real but not always true. They must be questioned and vetted. It may feel strange to bring into awareness that perhaps the muscles of social interaction which may be weak, signals to our brain a ‘danger’ warning so we retreat. It can feel counterintuitive to move forward when that trigger goes off, but maybe, that’s the push we need to get back.

How could rituals help with this? A ritual is a physical real-time event that marks a crossroad. It’s something that you can point to in your life, that anchors you in where you are in your experience of life. Communal rituals are shared physical real gatherings where witnesses are present to affirm this cornerstone event (think of weddings, birthday parties, Bar/Bas Mitvah’s).

In a real way, rituals build resiliency which is based in self-empowerment and choice. It’s taking intentional next steps towards the future you are creating.

To give you an example from my own life, here are some daily rituals I do:

1. I write my morning pages (thanks to the Artist Way).
2. I use smells as an anchor with my meditations, prayers and affirmations.
3. I express gratitude: write it out, speak it with my husband/children/friends.

I use these daily rituals to help align my body/soul/spirit. Sometimes I change things up but the important point is to realize that we are not static beings. Our behaviours build and grow into habits, patterns and then become our character. If you are not investing time into becoming the kind of person you want to be, you will become the thoughts and feelings you have now.

I’ve been thinking about what types of rituals to create to support social re-engagement. What daily and communal rituals can be created to anchor and launch us ‘back out there’? Here are some steps you can take to create them for yourself and others.

How to create a ritual:

A. Ask yourself these questions to get clarity. Maybe discuss this with a friend. Sometimes it helps to talk it through.

1. What do you want to create? How do you want to feel? What feels significant to you right now? Where are you noticing a shift? What do you need to feel supported?

2. What is holding you back: feelings, memories, thoughts, people, things, emotions? Where do you feel stuck? What are you afraid of?

B. Once you’ve got clarity, identify one thing you can do everyday that will move you forward, that will create more of what you want. Work with the positive in mind, so it sounds like, “ I will take 3 deep breathes, exhaling the fear I am feeling and inhaling the love that is around me.” Not, “ When a ‘bad feeling comes up, I will tell myself to be happy.” While you do this, light a candle, breathe in a nice aroma, look at something beautiful. Create a little sanctuary to tell your body/mind/spirit this is special.

C. Then take that breathing exercise and put it into action. Demonstrate to yourself that the love you inhaled is present. Perhaps that means, go outside and walk in the crowd. Invite someone for a coffee/tea at a place. Basically, face your fear with an action. This is what builds resiliency, exercising your power of choice with intention.

Here are some other ideas:

1. Walk outside and say ‘hi’ to a couple of people, maybe even go with a friend and notice how you feel. Remind yourself that you’re ok. Being around people is normal.
2. Talk to the clerks, servers, postal workers- practice talking to strangers again, friendly banter and general kindness.
3. Go out to a place for coffee with a friend or 2, then ask your friends to invite someone you don’t know.
4. Join classes, clubs… remember those lovely gatherings you used to do — get back out there.

The point is to move forward. Do the next step. Be intentional. Chose to live and not retreat. Remember self-empowerment and choice IS resilience.

Freedom, creativity, flow, openness all happen in the doing.

A ritual doesn’t need to be a big fancy thing. Mark your daily intentions with journal entries, pictures, gratitudes of what is opening up for you.

Next bigger step: Perhaps you want to throw yourself a party of some kind after you’ve strengthened these muscles. Invite others over and have everyone share what they are doing to move forward.

Celebrate and support. We all need to feel seen and realize we are not alone.